From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
