I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
