i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
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Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
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I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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