I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
