well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
