well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
