Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
