bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
