God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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