He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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