haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
