So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
