I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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