You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
