Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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