i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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