i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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