so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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