i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
