dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
