I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?