The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
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I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.