If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program