R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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