Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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