I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
