i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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