i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
