I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
