I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
