Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
