i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
