Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
