glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
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You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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