She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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