i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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