This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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