Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
