oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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