mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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