Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
