I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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