my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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