She is in my trunk
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
