he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
