Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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