Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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