Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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