Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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