Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
