Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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