Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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