That's when you crack a 10am beer
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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