Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
